When I hear the voices of those I love in my head, I always try to think “beneficent, » before any negativity has a chance to root. If a voice is hysterical or angry, or myopically focused, I could swear I'd never heard it. But then, my story would never change. Think what you will, I talk to myself. Always have.
I've learned that guidance always comes, most often in words i can only hope are mine. Sometimes they're words from a book I read thirty years ago. My alleged “forgetfulness” of specifics isn’t sufficient cause for a repeat of events. I remember when I need to remember.
I believe that redelivery - seeing alternative perspectives of the same material - captures the collective imagination, enough to reach a tipping point that will cause the moral arc of the universe to bend evermore toward our certain justice. Higher Powers, rather than any of us, figure that out, right? Do they meet?
If there’s only one HP, then get rid of the cognitive dissonance, and live seamlessly. Peace and harmony should be universal, of the natural order, a role model for the rest of us.
Though my plea would be for peace among the higher powers and among us, that result is not my business. They are OUR business. This doesn’t mean I must always live in some would-be neutral zone from which I am repeatedly ripped. I have a feeling something is afoot. (Yes, yes it is, with socks.)
If people could hear my thoughts, how would I come across to them? What if I had negative thoughts about someone, as we all do? Would I want to change my thinking, or would I just have to assume that the listener would not take my comment personally? I've been told not to take anything personally. Doesn't that just give cover to the person making the statement? No, because what has been said reveals more about them than about me.
Or maybe the truth bubbles up, and stands on its own. I hope I’d be big enough to try to reach for common ground, but without surrendering my individual identity. What standard would I use? I’ve seen enough of me in everything around me to know I’m always worth saving. I went for most of my years not knowing all of me was there, waiting to be found.
I’m so grateful for every experience and connection. I started to pay attention, to look for me, and at some point, I was found, or rather, found myself. I thought about the many details in my lived experience, whether sober or high, as I uncovered or tried to uncover each individually. Focus is important, but I did better when doing two or more things at once. Maybe I’ve been dickmatized! (I’m now pro-dickmatization.)
None of my ramblings were wrong or insane. I am being me, and that’s the only person I can be. Future husband: Please be yourself, no matter the number of loved ones who become part of you along the way.
Avoid the weeds, stay out of the ditches. For me, groupthink is a ditch. But group discussion can be a road, so long as I believe that, in the end, the journey will have mattered more than the destination.
I don’t underestimate other people, and hope they would never underestimate me.
x
