Unbreakable, September 8, 2015

 
Best friend ever, the One I never knew
Or knew too well, my twin
Inner help and comfort given, he’d be a catch
Wonderful luck that he walked out the door, before
Lying next to me in bed, again?
Talking, learning me, using my words against me, for me.
 
Mental illness, lack of money:  issues not mine,
Charges leveled by others against him that I would not own,
But did, as though his thoughts became mine.
Then he left, the gas lighting idea planted by the ungrounded. Who does that to a person?
That I own, as he did me.
 
Utter that word - love - once,
I jump, limber like Desperation crammed under a desk
Ready to feed, starving, exercising patience.
Then all was “fuck me in the ass, man in the mirror,” as if he’d seen me watching.
What worthiness, this pig?  Judged
Against standards, I dreamt he dreamed.
 
Uncover self-knowledge and suffer
Dig into matters softly, patiently, then
Demand understanding, damn you, change!  Time’s up!
Closing:  “I would never treat you like he treated you.”
With perspective, decide what it means.
 
No, this was worse, unless he meant what he said,
Before my thinking fucked it up: This time I thought I knew what I thought I had
Before he was gone.
Blind, self-betrayed; self-cruelty unseen, crouched behind kindness.
The good news is that it’s all in my head! Feel better! Hugs!
Instinct is refusing to take something already perfect and painting it red.
 
This time, no unanswered questions, no hand-wringing,
Just a hammered finality.
Better a man leave before both exhale?
Better a man leave, having sealed the broken skin through which God entered?
 
 
At the end, safely, no one on watch: He gave me that.
But, what was the next right thing?
The gods had no clue, and so, burdened man
With trickery:  It’s never about what it’s about.
These gods want nothing.
They want what you want.
 
Men of integrity, taller by choice, dream
Of Homer’s gods, travelling in disguise, observing righteousness and wrongdoing, asking
When no one is watching, what choice will man make?
Will he become whole?
Eddie is such a man,
Taking the long way around.
 
Know yourself, if you can, so they’ll know too,
The exact measure of the pain you can bear.
Keep the journey alive, stay safe from their reach,
Be comforted, admit to your innermost self, that
They (not all) on this day (not every), you do not want to be.
 
Relationships should not be so difficult.
Love your family!  The one that teaches through pain
As you slowly disintegrate, unfit.
Nice clan, demanding obedience:
Sir, Yes, Sir! (But no, not from me?)
 
Be grateful for lessons; hold no regrets.
Thanks! Kisses! Smiles!  (What, no tone or inflection?  Still mine to make up.)
Emerson, perverted, they keep; me, his spirit.
When we speak of loyalty, we speak not of the wolf,
But of the spirit of the wolf, which from them has fled.
(Substitute different animals at no charge.)
 
(If this is about what it’s about,
Then the written means what it says.
Mea culpa.
Sorry, not sorry.  No life lived  in contradiction is easy.)
 
 
Stop testing me, universe.  I’ve had it.