Today is the right day to post something silly and fun, written in June, 2000.
Ancient Bones – A Tabloid Story
PROBE OF ‘FEDERAL DITCH’ MAY REVEAL ANCIENT BONES
In what could be the discovery of a new race of beings –
perhaps from another planet – insiders’ close to the unearthly uncovering of
bones behind a Berkshire Road house say that answers are hard to find at this
early stage of the excavation.
Neighborhood resident Jerry Kaye reported that about five
month ago he began hearing strange song-like noises rising from deep within a
brick-and-mortar drain at one end of the ‘federal’ ditch, constructed during
the civil war under the pretense of hiding troops from the Yanks. “It was like those five tones from Close
Encounters of the Third Kind, -- da, de, da, dahh, da,” he exclaimed. Thinking that perhaps it was his vivid
imagination – “from the gin” – he at first discounted the eerie
emanations. Kaye is described by other
residents as ‘colorful,’ and can often be seen walking his miniature pick-a-poo
with a cigarette dangling in one hand, tumbler balanced in the other. “That dog must walk itself,” spat resident
June Bugg in her thick Southern accent.
The singing ditch took on new importance, however, as others
with surrounding property also began noting strange and bizarre
occurrences. George Gouviea became a
believer that something was amiss when, around the cocktail hour on a lazy
Summer afternoon, he decided to water his drought-stricken hydrangeas. “I was pulling the hose down to the back
yard, and then heard ‘da, de, da, dahh, da’.”
He had heard of Kaye’s earlier brush with the bizarre, but thought that
it too was his vivid imagination – “from the scotch.”
But it all became credible when during a neighborhood-wide
spree of illegal watering (in the extreme drought conditions, outdoor watering
had been banned), the ditch flooded, washing away years of discarded
neighborhood trash (much of it was lesbian erotica, say sources close to the
activity – but that’s another amazing story!).
Under the remaining rubble, strange bone-like fragments appeared jutting
through a thousand-year-old bed of rock.
Unwilling to touch the sketchy skeletal remains, Kaye and Gouviea
contacted the local Agriculture Department field office, in an effort to get
soil samples taken. “High acidity might
prove that we’re dealing with the abnormal here,” the pair insisted. Before that wacko week of weird discovery
ended, amateur archeologists from several local state schools had cordoned off
the area, picking and probing for what might lie beneath, hoping to be the
first to unearth the unearthly.
“There is a chance that the abnormally high acid levels are
the result of using Miracid throughout the area, causing undue accumulations in
this low-lying ditch,” cautioned one well-placed observer. Similarly, the discovery of a
partially-damaged child’s toy -- The Farmer Says -- leads some to
speculate that that is the source of the five-tone melody heard by Gouviea and
Kaye.
